Author: Rok Klemše
Artist: Klynt
Label: Self-released
Released: year_month
Length: 52:21
Rating: 2/5
Picture the premise of your typical dumb American teen sex comedy, starring five high schoolers who think of nothing but fucking, tits, dicks, asses, ball sacks and beer. Lots of beer. Now drop all of that into a metal setting and you get exactly what the full-length debut from Graz outfit Klynt, Of Klynt And Man, has to offer. The band was formed in 2008 by Patrik Hiebler (guitar), Rene Mueller (guitar), Christopher Lex (bass), Davin Gmeindl (drums) and Sir Dadukles Prime (vocals), with the goal of playing hard-hitting, epic power/thrash metal. After a bad car accident Mueller left in 2009 and Martin Schreiber took his spot. That same year the band put out the demo Epic as Fuck with this lineup, and at the start of this year came the studio debut.
They promise you’ll hear monumental, vulgar, epic power/thrash metal on it that will rip your balls off. But the reality is that all that’s left of those promises is the last bit. And yet the balls stay nicely right where they are; the only thing Klynt manage to rip off is the time I wasted listening to this abomination, and I’m never getting it back. Over fifty minutes Kylnt do pile up a dose of gentle-sounding thrash metal, mostly power-metal melodic, but it’s anything but original. It’s not just that practically every song looks like the next one, like one egg to another (to keep up the egg metaphors), it’s worse than that: you have to hunt for a riff worth remembering like a hair on the balls of the aforementioned movie heroes. The rare bright moments remind you far too much of Metallica and Iced Earth, but at least they give your battered ears a bit of a rest. The promised epicness is supposed to come from the guitar lines, but sadly they’re mostly too generic and dead for anyone to crown Klynt a new deity because of them. The monotonous, quasi-epic vocals of self-proclaimed knight Sir Dadukles Prime hurt the overall picture more than they help; the choir-style shouting does break up the monotony and brings in a little more excitement and dynamics, but wouldn’t you know it, that’s one big copy too. And while Klynt’s music overall is fairly solid, the same can’t be said for the moronic, stupid, downright idiotic lyrics full of adolescent humor. In them Klynt play metal warriors who bang everything on two legs with tits for laughs, have the biggest dicks, the biggest balls, and beer instead of blood running through their veins (judging by what I heard, more non-alcoholic than anything). Truly a thrilling concept. One that’s interesting at best to a twelve-year-old who just started jerking off to pictures of Pamela Anderson.
The Austrians picked a pun on Steinbeck’s cult novel Of Mice and Man for the title of their debut, and how fitting it is for describing the album, too – instead of roaring like a man, Of Klynt And Man squeaks like a helpless little mouse that’s about to get sat on by an elephant any second now. Epic as Fuck? Sadly more like Epic Fail.
Lineup
David Gmeindl – drums
Patrick Hiebler – guitar
Christopher Lex – bass
Martin Schreiber – guitar
Sir Dadukles Prime – vocals
Production
Thomas Brugger
Tracklist
1. PROLLogue
2. Hell Is Home
3. Into the Abyss
4. LAWL!
5. Everything Dies (But Me)
6. One On One
7. No Regrets
8. When Hope Ceases
9. They Called Him Klynt
10. Biggest Balls
